I think my mindset is, for the amount of time and energy it would take for me to stay current with facebook and all its plugins and pokes and tags, I could just go out and maintain real relationships.

Of course, with an equal amount of effort I could keep my Super Smash Bros. Brawl skills honed.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Well, by now, empirical evidence suggests that a woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Just think about that. It will chuck all the wood that it can. I know I don’t always give my absolute peak performance when I do a task. Apparently, woodchucks have no internal barrier between their raw potential and what they will actually do. Woodchucks: They don’t mess around.

So… a lot of times after washing my hands in the bathroom (which not enough people do by the way), if there’s no paper towel or air blower or alternative hand drying mechanism or when I’m just lazy I just try to flick the water off my hand and go out. But then there’s always some residual water left of the hands. And then when I go out I have to immediately shake someone’s hand, but I always feel like I have to explain, “Oh, I just washed my hand in there. That’s why it’s wet.” As if I’m afraid people will think, “Hmmm he walked out of the bathroom and his hand is wet. Clearly he urinated all over himself and failed to notice.”

We’ve all heard the expression, “She’s no spring chicken.” Some more than others, depending on their level of spring chicken-ness. It’s used to identify older women who’ve lost their looks. Clearly, being a spring chicken is advantageous to a woman, as it prevents others from using that very phrase on you. Last week, I saw a TOTAL spring chicken.

To me, setting this edict out before a child before they go to sleep seems just to compound problems. Now, not only do they have bed bugs biting them, but they feel the blame lays on them since supposedly they should have the ability to will the bugs to stop. But no, they can’t, so it just adds anxiety to the bed-bug-bites.

“See Mikey, you’re just letting those bugs bite you, and that’s why you’ll grow up to be a spineless coward.”

If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, then you should easily be able to take one bird and exchange it for a bush filled with two birds. Now you’ve doubled your birds, PLUS you’ve got a swanky new bush for your yard.

…you think back to whatever you did to make life give you those lemons. Then you keep doing that until life gives you ALL it’s lemons. That’s when you start your lemon buy-back plan with life.

And you price gouge your way to your dreams.

It happened again. I got totally suckered by the word “original.” I can’t be the only one taken in by a word whose meanings include both “new” and “existing at the beginning.” (By the way, two of dictionary.com’s definitions include the word “original” in them. Nice circular reference.) I had asked if the villain in the new Hulk movie was an “original character,” and then it was 5 minutes before anything was said that made sense anymore.